He was just like that as far as she was concerned. Either she was his property or she was sold off, almost like a car that had broken down once or a pet that had bitten its master. Damaged goods to be got rid of. I think that macho attitude was what she liked about him. Hardly surprising because she was a submissive type. I think my husband might be wild if he found out; after all that’s why I had allowed myself to be blackmailed, but I didn’t think he would do anything that drastic. I thought he would just hold it against me and use it. I would end up as his slave. The throwing out was scheduled for the next day and I expected it would be on the TV; I wondered if there was some way I could watch. Jenny thought she knew the code number for her channel, she had got it out of a client once so I wrote it down, determined to watch if I could. I don’t know why I wanted to see. Maybe it was because I really liked her and it might be the last chance I would ever see her. Maybe it was. But this time toward the end you breathed funny. You would take a large breath and then let some out and then you held it and then a quick breath out and in and then hold again, and then another one. Then you breathed normally for about a minute and then you came back. Where did you go this time?”I explained everything to Fred: what mission, where, when, everything I could remember. I even told him about the jump from just outside the clearing to the kill site. That I couldn’t explain. The fact is I couldn’t explain any of this. How can you explain, remembering, no that’s not right, reliving experiences that happened almost 40 years ago? That’s right I wasn’t remembering these episodes, I was reliving them again. I know the difference between a memory and being where you were. I mean, the smell, taste, touch, everything seemed very real. I remember the feel of the gun in my shoulder, the taste of the gunpowder on your lips after firing. I could feel the one rough spot on the bolt.
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